Grief is glass shattering

i wasn't even sad over my parents death. i wasn't allowed to. ... and now its just 'fuck it'. ... people die... when my mom died and i returned to the USA i had my head pressed against a glass window, being scared of my life that my head would break the window and big shards of glass would stab into my head. worried about niko, worried about my life. He ripped both of my biceps bilaterally , the way he twisted my arms back at the same time. I still have to get one of them fixed, but cannot afford to take the time off. when my dad died i was greeted back with a needy fucking husband. I reckon i was gone too long and he was missing the attention. I mean, it was only my father that died. Not gods gift. Drama instantly entered my life and it was a fucking roller coaster ride until the end....and then my mom died. 12 months apart....and by the time i coped again, it was too late to grief. So i never got to. maybe it's a blessing in disguise. just another rambling of mine