Friday, September 2, 2022
Grief is glass shattering
i wasn't even sad over my parents death. i wasn't allowed to. ... and now its just 'fuck it'. ... people die... when my mom died and i returned to the USA i had my head pressed against a glass window, being scared of my life that my head would break the window and big shards of glass would stab into my head. worried about niko, worried about my life. He ripped both of my biceps bilaterally , the way he twisted my arms back at the same time. I still have to get one of them fixed, but cannot afford to take the time off.
when my dad died i was greeted back with a needy fucking husband. I reckon i was gone too long and he was missing the attention. I mean, it was only my father that died. Not gods gift. Drama instantly entered my life and it was a fucking roller coaster ride until the end....and then my mom died. 12 months apart....and by the time i coped again, it was too late to grief. So i never got to. maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
just another rambling of mine
Friday, March 20, 2015
This has been a rough week ... A lot of different kinds of discoveries ... one of which is the fact that I have been beat down. I never ever held shit in... those that know me, know this.... I have some important things to talk about and can't figure out how to get it out.
But this is what happens when you have to hold shit in because you are afraid to say anything ... because you never knew what the reply would be or when it was going to come at you or how bad it was going to hurt.
On the tv show "the big bang theory" Sheldon is portraited as a Narcissist...and it's funny ... but live with a Narcissist in real life ... nothing is funny about that.
And that's that.
And in case you don't know what a Narcissist is... you found your way here, didn't you? Now go google that shit. There is some scarry stuff out there. I mean, there is only the truth on the internet, right? Like this post.... is what I am saying really the truth or am I just dreaming shit up? The only ones that know me will know for sure. ...
But this is what happens when you have to hold shit in because you are afraid to say anything ... because you never knew what the reply would be or when it was going to come at you or how bad it was going to hurt.
On the tv show "the big bang theory" Sheldon is portraited as a Narcissist...and it's funny ... but live with a Narcissist in real life ... nothing is funny about that.
And that's that.
And in case you don't know what a Narcissist is... you found your way here, didn't you? Now go google that shit. There is some scarry stuff out there. I mean, there is only the truth on the internet, right? Like this post.... is what I am saying really the truth or am I just dreaming shit up? The only ones that know me will know for sure. ...
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I have been absent! There was no mind to blogging in the last year. It's a new year. I need inspiration. Quick update....dad died...mom died...her house got burned the next day. I made a huge mistake in my relationship, but I think it was a bit of self-punishment as well.got with someone that has a record of domestics but was never at fault. Same with me. I was the one that initiated it every time. Pffft! My daughter has lost her fucking marbles and gave up everything that was good for her and wants to have her tubes untied to have more kids with that imbecile wanna be #MarshalMatthers looser bitch that has been born from the same cloth as the princess. Self-righteous, the world 'ows' me spoiled ass brats. Yea yea yea...all you girls were molested and treated bad by your families and it's our fault you are loveless lazy ass cunts. All you boys witnessed something so dramatic it turned you into gangsters and only defiance hides your true emotions that will make you cry like a little girl if they ever came out. ....but anyways, this is about me... not them... (*cough* loosers *cough*). I am not quite there yet, but I am trying to get back into my writing. I just need the right space, peace, freedom, TIME... but that's where I believe I was handed all the bad cards. For now...as I said...TIME is the most important thing...taking as well as receiving as well as being patient... patience...that's what I need the most
Monday, January 6, 2014
Saturday, October 26, 2013
the happiness jar - stolen from a Facebook Post.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THOSE HAPPINESS JARS, SHALL WE?
Dear lovelies —
About a year ago, when I first launched this Facebook page, I posted the photo below — a picture of my HAPPINESS JAR.
The HAPPINESS JAR is a project I started in my own life many years ago, and it has remained a practice that I've tried to keep up with regularity ever since. (Though I do slip and forget, because I get lazy and overwhelmed sometimes by life, as we all do.) But in its essence, the HAPPINESS JAR is an almost absurdly simple idea — every single day, at the end of the day, I grab a scrap of paper (the corner of a telephone bill, or a bit of an old to-do list) and I write down upon it the happiest moment of that day. And I put the date on it. And then I fold up the note and stick it in the jar. And that's the whole practice.
It takes about 35 seconds to do, but what it brings me is enormous — not only the pleasure of finding a good moment in each day (for even the horrible days have one least-bad moment) but the lasting benefits of recording that moment forever.
As years go by, whenever I'm having a rough time, I dig through the jar and pull out random slips of paper, and delight in them — all those momentary gems of life that I would have immediately forgotten, had I not jotted them down. They bring infinite comfort.
I am continually amazed at how simple my happiest moment of the day usually is. It is hardly ever a moment of explosive achievement or delirious excess. For all my striving and all my ambitions and all my seeking of remarkable experiences, it is important to recognize that my happiest moments are generally really common and quiet and unremarkable. In fact, my happiest moment each day is usually just a glance of something sweet and small, an unexpected flush of emotion, a bit of sun on my face, a pleasant encounter on the sidewalk, a cool glass of water at just the right instant, the cat-like contentment after a nap, a glimpse of a bird just out of the corner of my eye, a recognition of some tiny lovely thing. For instance, on the day that I first went on the Oprah Winfrey show (which was obviously a peak experience in my life) my happiest moment occurred that morning in the hotel room, when my mom was helping me get ready to go on the show by ironing the sash of my dress for me. (Watching her, I felt like a child again, going to my first day of school, or to a middle school dance. And I felt her love for me, and it was beautiful.) As good as the rest of that day was (and it was amazing and wild) nothing beat that tiny, sweet moment.
So I introduced my friends on this page to my HAPPINESS JAR, and people started making their own, and sending me photos, which I then share on this page. It's been so extraordinary to see this practice spreading! People make their jars out of everything from old pickle containers, to beautiful handmade ceramics, to bowls set in the middle of the table, to rare antiques, to a child's handicraft. We've had HAPPINESS JARS from all over North America, but also from Egypt, the Philippines, Poland, Iran, Turkey, Russia, Brazil, Colombia, Indonesia... We've had family HAPPINESS JARS, mother-daughter HAPPINESS JARS, post-divorce HAPPINESS JARS, get-me-through cancer HAPPINESS JARS, New Year's Day HAPPINESS JARS (to be read the following New Year's, in celebration of the happiest moments of the passing year) — every imaginable iteration. I love every single one of them, and I love you all.
I also have to add how sometimes it breaks my heart in the sweetest way — when I hear some of the questions that people ask about "the rules" of the HAPPINESS JAR. It is as if people don't want to get in trouble, by doing their HAPPINESS JARS wrong! I have been asked, "Am I allowed to ever read the notes again?" Or, "Am I allowed to sometimes write a prayer, instead of a moment of happiness?" Or, "Is it OK if I let somebody else put a happy moment in my jar?" Or, "Does my HAPPINESS JAR have to say 'HAPPINESS JAR' on it?" Or, "Is it OK if my HAPPINESS JAR is actually a bowl?" Or, "Are you allowed to put lucky stones in your HAPPINESS JAR?" Or (this one is usually asked with a sense of panic): "What happens when my HAPPINESS JAR gets FULL????!!" Or (this one breaks my heart the most): "WHERE CAN I BUY A HAPPINESS JAR??? I've been looking for them everywhere on the Internet and can't find them anywhere!"
Do you see how touching and revealing these questions are? Do you see how much these concerns tell us about how uncertain we are about our own happiness, or the permissions that we feel we need to seek? How desperately we want to know the rules? How our fears of getting in trouble block us from our happiness? Not to mention the idea that our happiness is, of course, something that has to be purchased from a legitimate commercial source! (Trust me, these questions resonate with me because I feel like they are all the sorts of questions that I demand of the world, when I'm complicating what should be very simple interactions.)
What are the rules, you ask?
Guys — there aren't any rules! I have no idea! I just made this thing up, because it works for me! It's YOUR happiness; you may do absolutely whatever you like with it, sweet friends! Put whatever you like in there — whatever brings you peace or joy. And when your jar fills up (which I dearly hope it shall) just make another one. Read them if you like; leave them quietly folded if you prefer. And you can make it out of an old tissue box if you want! The vessel is not the magic part; the vessel is just the vessel. What's inside is simply — very simply — the best part of your life on earth.
So that is the HAPPINESS JAR project, dear friends.
I send you blessings from my jar to yours, and all my love...
Dear lovelies —
About a year ago, when I first launched this Facebook page, I posted the photo below — a picture of my HAPPINESS JAR.
The HAPPINESS JAR is a project I started in my own life many years ago, and it has remained a practice that I've tried to keep up with regularity ever since. (Though I do slip and forget, because I get lazy and overwhelmed sometimes by life, as we all do.) But in its essence, the HAPPINESS JAR is an almost absurdly simple idea — every single day, at the end of the day, I grab a scrap of paper (the corner of a telephone bill, or a bit of an old to-do list) and I write down upon it the happiest moment of that day. And I put the date on it. And then I fold up the note and stick it in the jar. And that's the whole practice.
It takes about 35 seconds to do, but what it brings me is enormous — not only the pleasure of finding a good moment in each day (for even the horrible days have one least-bad moment) but the lasting benefits of recording that moment forever.
As years go by, whenever I'm having a rough time, I dig through the jar and pull out random slips of paper, and delight in them — all those momentary gems of life that I would have immediately forgotten, had I not jotted them down. They bring infinite comfort.
I am continually amazed at how simple my happiest moment of the day usually is. It is hardly ever a moment of explosive achievement or delirious excess. For all my striving and all my ambitions and all my seeking of remarkable experiences, it is important to recognize that my happiest moments are generally really common and quiet and unremarkable. In fact, my happiest moment each day is usually just a glance of something sweet and small, an unexpected flush of emotion, a bit of sun on my face, a pleasant encounter on the sidewalk, a cool glass of water at just the right instant, the cat-like contentment after a nap, a glimpse of a bird just out of the corner of my eye, a recognition of some tiny lovely thing. For instance, on the day that I first went on the Oprah Winfrey show (which was obviously a peak experience in my life) my happiest moment occurred that morning in the hotel room, when my mom was helping me get ready to go on the show by ironing the sash of my dress for me. (Watching her, I felt like a child again, going to my first day of school, or to a middle school dance. And I felt her love for me, and it was beautiful.) As good as the rest of that day was (and it was amazing and wild) nothing beat that tiny, sweet moment.
So I introduced my friends on this page to my HAPPINESS JAR, and people started making their own, and sending me photos, which I then share on this page. It's been so extraordinary to see this practice spreading! People make their jars out of everything from old pickle containers, to beautiful handmade ceramics, to bowls set in the middle of the table, to rare antiques, to a child's handicraft. We've had HAPPINESS JARS from all over North America, but also from Egypt, the Philippines, Poland, Iran, Turkey, Russia, Brazil, Colombia, Indonesia... We've had family HAPPINESS JARS, mother-daughter HAPPINESS JARS, post-divorce HAPPINESS JARS, get-me-through cancer HAPPINESS JARS, New Year's Day HAPPINESS JARS (to be read the following New Year's, in celebration of the happiest moments of the passing year) — every imaginable iteration. I love every single one of them, and I love you all.
I also have to add how sometimes it breaks my heart in the sweetest way — when I hear some of the questions that people ask about "the rules" of the HAPPINESS JAR. It is as if people don't want to get in trouble, by doing their HAPPINESS JARS wrong! I have been asked, "Am I allowed to ever read the notes again?" Or, "Am I allowed to sometimes write a prayer, instead of a moment of happiness?" Or, "Is it OK if I let somebody else put a happy moment in my jar?" Or, "Does my HAPPINESS JAR have to say 'HAPPINESS JAR' on it?" Or, "Is it OK if my HAPPINESS JAR is actually a bowl?" Or, "Are you allowed to put lucky stones in your HAPPINESS JAR?" Or (this one is usually asked with a sense of panic): "What happens when my HAPPINESS JAR gets FULL????!!" Or (this one breaks my heart the most): "WHERE CAN I BUY A HAPPINESS JAR??? I've been looking for them everywhere on the Internet and can't find them anywhere!"
Do you see how touching and revealing these questions are? Do you see how much these concerns tell us about how uncertain we are about our own happiness, or the permissions that we feel we need to seek? How desperately we want to know the rules? How our fears of getting in trouble block us from our happiness? Not to mention the idea that our happiness is, of course, something that has to be purchased from a legitimate commercial source! (Trust me, these questions resonate with me because I feel like they are all the sorts of questions that I demand of the world, when I'm complicating what should be very simple interactions.)
What are the rules, you ask?
Guys — there aren't any rules! I have no idea! I just made this thing up, because it works for me! It's YOUR happiness; you may do absolutely whatever you like with it, sweet friends! Put whatever you like in there — whatever brings you peace or joy. And when your jar fills up (which I dearly hope it shall) just make another one. Read them if you like; leave them quietly folded if you prefer. And you can make it out of an old tissue box if you want! The vessel is not the magic part; the vessel is just the vessel. What's inside is simply — very simply — the best part of your life on earth.
So that is the HAPPINESS JAR project, dear friends.
I send you blessings from my jar to yours, and all my love...
October
Rob poofed away into the Ukraine right around my birthday. I tried to stay in the house in Camelot Villa for a bit, but it sure wasn't going to work for a long term solution. I met a great guy and decided to move out of the House and in with him in Marysville.
Target was being an asshole about me transferring to the Target up in Port Huron. I'm sure Kaili had a lot to do with that, so I eventually just didn't go to work anymore. I feel like a useless piece of baggage right now. Not working... it sucks. I have to get my ass in gear and look hard.... harder than what I have been.... it's only been a week and a half. LOL I make it sound like I've been sitting on my ass for months now. No, just a couple of weeks...
Target was being an asshole about me transferring to the Target up in Port Huron. I'm sure Kaili had a lot to do with that, so I eventually just didn't go to work anymore. I feel like a useless piece of baggage right now. Not working... it sucks. I have to get my ass in gear and look hard.... harder than what I have been.... it's only been a week and a half. LOL I make it sound like I've been sitting on my ass for months now. No, just a couple of weeks...
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
nothing really matters...
but moving forward. It's a slow process, but its moving. Found another way around the whole adoption process. The faster I can get this done, and get on with my life, the better it will be for all of us. Nikos and My life will be much more peaceful and he will be a more fulfilled child for it. The stress levels at this house and this family are ridiculous. Its not normal. There are at least 4 different dings going off for the SAME notification for the same person... for what reason, we don't know. Rob or the dogs do not how to sit down and chill out, there are constant movements in this home, which make everyone nervous. Niko does not know how to play on his own and as soon as he leaves one toy Rob tries to clean it up, which Niko then gets upset over. He doesn't understand that children need that type of chaos. It's okay to negotiate with him and have him (niko) help clean up, but not do it for him every single time. ... so much for today. I'm tired. Worked way too long again. Just exhausted. and of course I'm stuck having to amuse mr little unhappy and cooking and finishing the laundry that was started yesterday but never finished. So adios.
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